For more on interpersonal
communication, see
Communicate with Confidence:
How to Say It Right the First
Time and Every Time
by Dianna Booher.
(McGraw-Hill)
The Problem Is Not the Problem
Communication About the Problem Is the Problem
By Dianna Booher
The problem is often not the problem. The problem is someone’s attitude and communication style regarding the problem. Many negative situations we find ourselves in have less to do with power and position than with our communication skills. When you find yourself in such a conflict, try to discard any peripheral put-offs or posturing.
Offer the Other Person Face-Saving Comments
If you expect the other person to take your side and come to agreement, make it easy on his or her pride. “Your mistake is understandable. The map is confusing. Several people have gotten lost.” Or, “The details are complex. Most people don’t realize how overwhelming so much information can be. You’ve made excellent progress so far.”
Let the Other Person Exercise Options
People want to maintain a sense of power. That power may come from a strong self-esteem, from the freedom of choice about how and when a job gets done, from control over the success or failure of a project, or from freedom to interact or not interact with others.
Be cautious of taking away a person’s choices. They may figure a way to sabotage your project or end the relationship altogether. Provide others opportunities to choose and control.
Shun Sarcasm
Sarcasm humiliates people. “Thanks a lot. That was a big help to have these figures two days after the report was turned in.” Or, “Thanks for ordering lunch for me while I was in the meeting. My husband makes all the decisions at home; why shouldn’t you take over the responsibility here?”
These are nasty no-no’s that only drive wedges between people and intensify already-volatile situations.
Leave Exaggerations for TV Sitcoms
When you exaggerate, the other person often ignores the bigger issue and proves your exaggeration incorrect. You’ll wind up arguing about the misstatement rather than the issue.
“These exorbitant overnight-express shipping charges are putting us in the poorhouse.” Their likely response: “I don’t think $68 a month for shipping is putting us in the poorhouse.” Or “You always find fault with my suggestions.” They may reply, “I don’t always find fault. I liked your suggestions in last week’s meeting. I even went out of my way to tell you so.”
Statements like these move you off the subject and onto defending the exaggeration.
Don’t Act Incredulous
The incredulous person greets the other with a quizzical look of disbelief and shock at the “stupidity” of what has happened. “So you left the issue unresolved hoping someone else would handle it?” “Why in the world would you believe that?” “What makes you think that would work?’
Most people can tolerate disagreement when they have to, but they snap when it comes to humiliation. The amused grin, mocking raised eyebrows, or outright laughter can cut a person to the quick even if it seems deserved.
Don’t “Dismiss” People
This “mood” pervades the atmosphere of conflict when one person makes it clear that talk will no longer help, that the details no longer matter and won’t change things, or that what you’re asking is out of the question and should not even be entertained with a discussion. Such a dismissal can be conveyed through words, gestures, or body language. We all know it when we see it.
Next time you’re involved in a problem that won’t seem to resolve itself, ask yourself if the problem is the problem or if the communication regarding the problem is the problem.
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Dianna Booher works with organizations to increase their productivity and effectiveness through better oral, written, interpersonal, and cross-functional communication. She is a keynote speaker and the author of more than 40 books (22 on communication) including The Voice of Authority, Booher's Rules of Business Grammar, Speak with Confidence, and Communicate with Confidence. Dianna is CEO of Booher Consultants, a communication training firm offering programs in presentations skills, business writing, and interpersonal communication. Successful Meetings Magazine named her to its list of “21 Top Speakers for the 21st Century.” Executive Excellence Publishing also named Dianna to its “Top 100 Thought Leaders” and “Top 100 Minds on Personal Development.” www.booher.com or call 800.342.6621.
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